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If I could keep my heart in a ziplock bag— the good ones that really don’t leak— I think I just might.
It takes a while for me to dig it out. Like an elevator that keeps getting stuck, not because it’s broken but more because it’s…just tentative. A tentative elevator.
And when I put it out on the table, either as an offering or because it is giving me indigestion, you smile then use it as a coaster.
Hmm?
I’m not angry. This isn’t an angry poem. It’s not a poem.
It’s just a wish written down.
For a ziplock bag.
Not the no name brand. The real deal.
Maybe I should just get Tupperware.
But that’s too clunky to keep in my gut.
Like swallowing twenty-five pieces of gum sequentially.
(A rubbery mass I will never digest.)

This is like groundhog day
the one with Bill Murray.
But without Bill Murray.
He is not a co-star in my life, we’ve never met.
But it’s like this event that repeats, though the circumstances change.
I mistake trampolines for solid floors.
I trust I’ve settled but suddenly find myself up in the air.
Doing some kind of flip.
woo hoo
And somehow I land.
And force myself to be understanding
like a two year old forces the square through the triangle hole.

This is embarrassing. But isn’t that what the internet is sort of for? other than getting information and like communicating with people and stuff?

Here are some ideas for new reality TV shows:

1) Survivor: Child. Think Lord of the Flies meets The Hunger Games.

2) Does anyone remember when there was that show to cast Maria in ‘The Sound of Music’? There was a British version and a Canadian version. It was called How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?
What about one called, “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Willy Lowman?” except in this version American businessmen compete to see who is the most depressed, and the winner gets to play Willy Lowman on Broadway.

3) Break Things into Song. This would be sort of like Punk’d.. But in this version Jonathan Taylor Thomas (in a comeback move) would get people to break random things in public places and then break into song. Because the people around them would be like so totally freaked out it would be so totally completely hilarious to tape their reactions and air them LIVE on television, right? Snap.

4) Bachelor: Polygamist Edition. You get it.

5) Amish Hell. A north american family is forced to live in a house blasting Weird Al’s ‘Amish Paradise’ 24/7. How long can they last?

6) Pet/Person Swap. It is so hard caring for a pet, especially when they don’t even appreciate you. But maybe it this is a case of ‘the grass is always greener’ syndrome. In this groundbreaking show, people switch roles with their pets for a week.

7) Top Plastic Surgeon. Five plastic surgeon wannabes get to try their hands on a set of horridly ugly identical quintuplets to see who can work the most magic in the shortest amount of time. The winner gets a degree and a million dollars to start up a practice.

8) inSANITY. Six people begin televised therapy sessions, but what they don’t know is that their ‘therapists’ are all patients in a high security mental institution.

9) Toddlers in Singlets. This show follows toddlers who are being seasoned to become wrestlers. The toddler wrestling game is a tough one to break into, and once you do, is it worth it? Is there a way out? (And you can’t crawl your way out of this one).

10) So You Think You’re Cool? . Open auditions are held in a number of cities. Then, a selection of potentially cool people are brought to Hollywood and are put to various challenges to test their coolness factor. The audience votes. The intended result: Find the coolest person in North America. Celebrity judges are Coolio, Nick Nolte, Whoopi Goldberg, and Mary Kate Olsen.

Anonymous asked: Why are ponies so pretty?

This is a very interesting question.
Let me break it down for you.
Horses are generally majestic animals, grazing, jumping, running like the wind in fields and stuff. Pulling carriages that may or may not hold the queen.

Ponies are smaller then horses but appear similar. Yet, they are more petite. Now modern society has mooshed your brain so that you believe that smaller is better. That is a result of the media, as well as the diet-obsessed, all or nothing culture we currently reside as a part of. Our ideal of beauty is that it is petite.
So what it comes down to is you’ve got a majestic horse, but smaller, making it less majestic but still aesthetically pleasing in shape and shine.
That, compounded with the fact that the pony is small, and hence more attractive, and model-like than a horse, leads to pretty.

And it helps if they have glossy manes, and are pink or purple like My Little Ponies (little ponies are obviously the prettiest). But normal ponies still fall under the “pretty” category.

Does that clear things up for you?

Uta Hagen, actor, author, and teacher, died in 2004, at the age of 84.
There is this portrait of her on the first floor of HB Studio in NY. In the portrait her lips are pursed in an O and she looks excited to be in the school where her method is taught by those who studied and taught with her, and practiced by many. Her portrait is hung right by the bathroom.

After writing an entire book outlining her teaching exercises and approach to acting (Respect for Acting), Ms. Hagen (as she is still referred to by those who were her students, some of them intimidating teachers in their 80s. OK, one of them) was unhappy with how her actor training exercises were being interpreted after Respect for Acting was published. So she wrote another book, Challenge for the Actor, with the “goal to leave little room for misinterpretation.” Respect For Acting lives on as an orphan in hardcover- a less detailed account of Hagen Technique. It now has an introduction by David Hyde Pierce, whom she performed with in 2001. Hyde Pierce advises readers to be sure to read both books.

ANYWAY, both books outline a number of “Object Exercises”, which students studying are asked to complete (usually numerous times). These are more challenging then they appear at first read. The idea is to bring your life on stage, not to perform or try and entertain, but to be honest and specific (in every moment of our lives off stage, everything must be as specific as in our real lives- from the time to the weather to our shoes and why we’re wearing them. These details cannot be glossed over, which is surprisingly easy to do). The work should be simple, honest, and detailed.
We are asked to bring ourselves and our experiences on stage, and not just the moments when we look cool. This training also allows the actor to work on various conditions- being late, drunk, injured, etc- that may come up in a script down the road.
This is a study of craft and of life, to be applied to a role.

After having the opportunity to study at HB Studio (where Hagen taught) in NY I have spent the last eight months with the Object Exercises. At this point I have completed almost all of them at least once. I could do them all again, and likely will.
In the second exercise, called “Fourth Side”, the actor is asked to have a telephone conversation, holding a phone to your ear (not with iPhone headphones).
So many people in my classes (which are very international, so this is definitely not a North American thing) say over and over that they never talk on the phone anymore. I talk on the phone, but when asked to bring in the exercise a second time, using a conversation with “higher stakes” (aka something more important to me/riskier- with more at stake) I had trouble even imagining something high stakes happening over the phone.

If I have something confrontational to say…which I rarely do…I might do it by email. Because I’m afraid of confrontation and technology makes it so easy to avoid it altogether.

So, Miss Hagen’s “Fourth Side” exercise is already more difficult than it was ten years ago, as a result of technology. The exercise will always be worthwhile, because there will always be plays with phone conversations in them (and it has other purposes in creating a “Fourth Side”). Still, the whole conundrum of these exercises got the theatre nerd part of my brain going. What would Uta Hagen add to her exercises now?

This is what I think she might do:
(**please note: this is a joke. Ms Hagen would think of better things. I’m not making fun of her, I think she was a brilliant woman whom I have learned much from posthumously. I’m just having theatre nerd fun).

1) The Email Exercise
Start by determining an instance in which you received an email of some importance. Remember what time of day it was, what you were wearing, and whether or not you were chewing gum or eating a crunchy piece of fruit. We often have a physical life outside of typing and reading, and if often involves eating or drinking.

Place yourself at your computer. Notice how you sit habitually. Do you rest your wrists or lift them up? Are you at fast typist? Are you an anxious typist? Do you squint while reading screens? These are all things to take note of the next time you find yourself whipping up an email.

FOR THE PERFORMANCE: Reading and Writing an Email.

Make sure you remember precisely what email you were reading the moment before you opened the email that will make up the exercise. How did that person sign off? Did they sign off? Was it a personal sign off or an electronic one? How does that affect you attitude going into this next email? Your feelings about yourself?
Make sure you know what drew you to this email in the first place. (This relates back to the Destination exercise and entering a room— what makes you open THAT email? Virtual Destination work will factor into this). Was it the subject? Who is the sender? What are your feelings towards this sender? Your relationship? Do you think it might be spam? Does opening reveal self-destructive tendencies?

Step one is to read the email. Though you may employ Talking To Yourself, do not perform a narrative by reading the entire email a loud. This needs to be your private experience. I have watched students read emails for fifteen minutes straight in silence, and if they are engaged then I am never bored.

You should rehearse the reading of the email for at least an hour. Once you have mastered reading an email on stage, you can move on to the second part: the response.

Ask yourself the same questions to start. What do I really do when responding to an email? What is my relationship to the key board, to the mouse? Do I read my writing over and respond thoughtfully, or do I throw caution to the wind and just type and then press send? Do I use proper grammar? What is my relationship to emoticons? Of course, this can change, depending on who you are responding to.
Be sure that you have a strong need to write a response. Know what that need is, and what you want this email to accomplish, to DO. Are you trying to show off your ability to be somewhat clever by writing to a gentleman you admire? Or are you passive aggressively writing a friend to tell her you’re not mad she missed your birthday (though actually reminding her that you are completely furious and that she is a horrible friend and terrible human being)?
These are the questions you need to be asking yourself.

Once you have worked on the response for at least an hour, combine Reading and Writing, and attempt the full Email Exercise in class.

2 a) The Skype exercise: The 5th Dimension
The internet is a different dimension to bring into your work. We live with it everyday, but it is only now making itself known in the theatre. It allows us to talk to people, scene partners or other characters, that never need to be cast, as they are only seen by you, the actor, in your (prop) computer onstage. Though I do not advocate this as exciting drama, it is something you may very well have to contend with in a role in which you are cast. I refer to the internet as “The Fifth Dimension”, not to be confused with “The Fourth Side”. To create a fifth dimension for yourself, that you bring about at will in your imagination onstage, build an internal catalog of websites you visit that garner a reaction in you. Do not tell anyone what these are, they will lose their power. For example, I once told my husband that Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, “GOOP”, evokes a feeling of nausea in me, and the next day when I evoked it, the nausea had dissipated into mild irritation.

When referring to your prop computer, place one of your inner-websites on the screen. Imagine you are surfing the world wide web. A skype call comes through.
Who is it? Are you expecting it? Do you react with ease or with technological clumsiness? Once the conversation has started, do you feel good about yourself as displayed through the video option, or do you pretend the video isn’t working on your computer?

Continue with the conversation. Know who you are talking to. Don’t feel the need to remain focused on the person you are pretending to converse with all the time— we all check our email and catch up on celebrity gossip while pretending to be completely focused on our Skype calls. Keep your behavior accurate to what you would do in real life.
Rehearse this for an hour at least, and then bring it into class.
2 b) Skype: Conference Call
Just as with The Fourth Side, we all talk to different people in “The Fifth Dimension” in different ways. Skyping with my therapist is very different than skyping with my husband when we are apart. Skyping with my dog is a completely different matter— I address each differently. Experiment with how you talk to different people- your mother, your life coach, your friend in Slovenia, etc). Then, when you are ready, combine a realistic group of people and recreate a Skype conference call. Maybe you are planning a surprise birthday party for a friend with a group of friends, or discussing politics with a pastor and a cat breeder. Whatever evokes something in you. Just keep each response and statement specific.

3) The Lost Password Exercise
Imagine you have lost an internet password you need. How do you react? This is like Moment to Moment, but parts of it take place within The Fifth Dimension. Make sure to pick a password that really matters.

4) The Internet Gambling/Gaming/Auction Exercise
Chose one of the aforementioned online activities. Make it more difficult with added conditioning forces and endowments— maybe you are gaming at work and your boss might see. Perhaps you are gambling online at 4 am and have a sty in your eye. The possible combinations are endless.

5) Changes of Self: In Response to a Text Message
We all have received a text message that unexpectedly and immediately changes our demeanor. For example: I am leaving rehearsal, feeling wonderful about the work I have done. I am about to head to my favourite bakery in the East Village to treat myself to a chocolate tart on the way home, when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I read it and the words “You think you’re so great, ” appear from one of my co-workers. Immediately my smile dissipates and my lively gaunt becomes a draggy crawl. Instead of a chocolate tart I will buy an entire cheesecake and a bottle of wine.
As I am banging my head into the side of a building and considering throwing myself into traffic so that my understudy can just go on- she’s much better anyway- I feel my phone vibrate again. The words “You are! I can’t keep up!” appear from the same person. I cease banging my head against the wall. I head to the bakery to treat myself to two chocolate tarts, skipping all the way there.

Consider how you change in response to text messages— we are many different people throughout the day, and these changes from one self to the next are often propelled by text messages. Chose one message to begin, and then move on to two for your secon pass at the exercise. Work on each exercise for at least an hour. Examine how everything from your physical life, to your emotional life, to your mental stability fluctuates in accordance with the messages you receive.

6 a) The Lost Job Exercise: Moment to Moment
See “Moment to Moment” in A Challenge For the Actor and apply this to a job search. What do you resort to? How badly do you need a job? Etc.

6 b) Unemployment as a Conditioning Force

Self- explanatory. See “Conditioning Forces” in A Challenge For the Actor.

7) The Internet Dating Exercise
You are waiting for your internet date. Chose somewhere as private as possible- the back corner of a coffee shop, a quiet park, or even your apartment can all work.
What is your body doing while you pursue a romantic/anxiety based objective? Through self-observation you will begin to observe how the prospect of an internet dictated romance affects your behavior and realise what you need to do to re-create it.
Make sure you have a specific profile in your mind (of the person you are waiting for). Know if they are late, if you are early, if you are sober, and what time of day, year, century it is? What is the weather? What are your expectations? Are you hoping to make a new friend, looking for true love, or looking to get laid? These expectations will affect your state of being and your choice of clothing significantly.
This exercise can last for up to twenty minutes. When done successfully I find I have a clear vision of the student’s romantic history, sexual preferences, deepest fears, and amount of money in their chequing account, and they have often barely lifted a finger. It is all communicated through inner objects that are vibrant and alive.

That’s all I got.

I would describe my brain right now as a scrambled egg with some interesting ingredients flip-flopping around in there.
Last night I went to see Young Jean Lee’s Untitled Feminist Show. I went because the topic interested me, but also because I keep reading about how Young Jean Lee is, for example, “the most adventurous downtown playwright of her generation” (Isherwood, New York Times: 16/01/12). I guess in New York there are so many playwrights that they need to categorize them into areas of the city to keep them straight. Maybe in Toronto I could be, “the most adventurous North of Bloor, South of Dupont, between Christie and Ossington playwright…”, or the most adventurous north of little Portugal, South of St.Clair West playwright…” I don’t know. Either way, I’ve got to get more adventurous.
I may need to invest in a hot air balloon.

ANYWAY, I have a feeling Untitled Feminist Show is probably different from her other plays, since it had no words in it. Well, except “La,” if that counts.
It was six different women, buck naked, dancing on a bare white stage. From the only clothed moment— the curtain call—, as well as from the program notes, I gather that two of the performers identify as male. Before they put on their clothes you’d never know. Which is maybe the point.
I don’t know.
I don’t know what I thought.
I mean, I thought it was courageous and shocking and funny and absurd and extreme..and creative and ??? Part of me is afraid to like it too much and the other part of me is too confused to like it too much. But yeah. It was completely unapologetic theatre with no apparent narrative but a lot of imagination.

One thing that stuck me was the audience— there was a huge age range. An older couple sitting next to me, speaking a foreign language, loved it (or that’s what I gathered from their vocal tones and attention levels throughout. I have no idea what they were saying to each other). I mean, I guess people knew what they were getting into? Or maybe they are more curious and open here? There are just more people from more places in this city, I guess. I don’t know. But I think the fact that the audience was so comfortable and engaged throughout aided my own comfort level. Like, there was a mass mentality of just deciding to go with it. Because why not? You’re in a theatre, try and enjoy it, right? Some parts were beautiful. Others were pretty shocking.
When I felt uncomfortable, I questioned myself as to why, and the only answer I came to was just the level of vulnerability and physical closeness the performers had (with regards to one another and to the audience). It was just so…much. There was not set, not story, no clothing. It felt like the incredibly intimate was made public, and I’m not used to that level of trust and intimacy showing up in life, let alone on a stage under lights.

And why was it so jarring? How did we become so bound-in; restrained? Maybe I’m just speaking for myself here and every one else is like, “I’d totally do that, no problem. I’m so comfortable always.” Maybe.

Last night I had a dream that I came back to Toronto and all my friends were just running around town naked all the time, and I was like…”Guys, I just can’t.”

So that’s one thing.

I also saw this play called Chimera at HERE. It is a one-woman show (the performer was Suli Holum of the Pig Iron Theatre Company, and she was so captivating. I learned a lot watching her) about a mother who discovers she has two sets of DNA. So basically she ate/injested her own twin while in the womb. Her son has the DNA of the version of her that never existed- the weaker one. Based on that knowledge she leaves her imperfect family. That’s the summary, but there’s a lot of other stuff too— science versus spirituality, what connects us to people, to ourselves. After the show there was a panel discussion on the notion of identity with- get this- a priest, a scientist/doctor, and a philosopher. It was pretty amazing how little conflict there was. They are each pursuing knowledge in their own way. It was stated that religion is the WHY the world was created and science is the HOW. Why can’t that division always be that simple?
The philosopher spoke about how we are more than one self throughout our lives, that identity is fluid, and not locked in DNA. But is identity in the eye of the beholder or as we believe ourselves to be? Do we give up the self in exchange for community?
I don’t know.
And neither did anyone else.
But the discussion was really interesting. I love it when theatre asks questions. It was neat to get to ask the same questions the play had just asked to a panel of experts in contrasting fields right after, while drinking complimentary wine. What a great idea. Canadian Theatres: take note.
(Because so many “Theatres” read this. I should just write, “Mom: take note”).

Those are two things mixed into my brain omelet. I’m over this metaphor. I don’t even really like breakfast foods. Eggs…pfffff. Maybe if they were hidden and chocolate.

I’m late on this one. This really only makes sense as a New Years thing and it’s January 9th.

Suspend your imagination. (Was it not your New Years Resolution to use your imagination more? Or was it to go to the gym? Or eat less dairy or something? I hope it was the one about imagination).

You know how just before the New Year, there are all these “Top 10 ——- of 2011” lists? I read these and usually just feel like, “Shit. I spent 2011 doing all the bottom things of 2011 and missed all the top ones. I guess that’s just the sort of person I am.” I hate that. Way to start the new year on a downhill slope to wino-ism and/or diabetes. So I had this funny joke in my head where I would write a bunch of arbitrary “Best Of..” lists. Like, The Top Ten Best Subway Stations I Waited At and The Top Ten Times I Sat in a Chair, and everyone would be like, “Crap, why didn’t I wait at Museum station for longer, and where can I get one of those chairs that rock?”
And I would start 2012 on top.
But I failed.

So I am going to make a list of lists I didn’t make. Call it a hypothetical meta-list and give me a PhD in innovation Harvard. Brown? Brock?

Top Ten Lists I Didn’t Make But Thought Of for 2011

1. Top Ten Pens I Used
2. Top Ten Dogs I Communicated With Through the Eyes
3. Top Ten Times I Waited on a Corner to Cross the Street.
4. Top Ten Stickers I Stuck (Including wizard stickers)
5. Top Ten Stickers I Stuck (Excluding wizard stickers)
6. Top Ten Shoes I Wore
7. Top Ten Book Covers I Saw in Passing
8. Top Ten Confused Looks I Gave
9. Top Ten Confused Looks I Got
10. Top Ten Times I Didn’t Want to Play Tennis (and Didn’t Ever Play Tennis).

Bonus: Top Ten Times I Ate Bread (Including Toast).

Now wouldn’t all those lists have been so hilarious and such a great anthropological study of our time?

Ah well.
Happy Belated New Year.